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love is not a victory march

its a cold and a broken hallelujah

27 August 1988
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the preceding is a eulogy lisa dicarlucci wrote for me.

"The Eulogy of Christopher Engler (imagine me giving this as I struggle to fight off tears for added emotional effect)

To be honest, I didn’t know Chris Engler for a very long time, not even a year, but I suppose that Chris wasn’t the kind of person that you needed to know for a very long time to love. He willingly gave of himself to me more so than some of my closest friends ever had. He made me feel that I had a piece of his heart, a fragile possession, and his heart was one worth protecting with everything I had. We had a mutual trust and compassion for each others secrets and insecurities, many of which we seemed to share. We were intensely close and extremely similar. He loved me a million Swedish Fish and I loved him a million red m&m’s. However, what was quite possibly the most remarkable thing about Chris, was that the relationship I shared with him was only one of so many other remarkable ones in his life. He has effected everyone here today and made them fall in love with him in one respect or another. We have all come to admire his personality and talents and everything else which made him so amazing.

Chris’s smile was genuine and warm. It was the kind of smile that made the most emo teenager want to believe in happy endings. When he smiled, he meant it, just as he meant it when he frowned. His emotions, good or bad, were real and true. They were never down graded or fake. He loved with his whole heart and his whole self. I was always in awe of his ability to love unconditionally. By knowing Chris, we have all received a remarkable love and a gift. He loved some of us more than others and why a certain few never returned the feelings I will never truly understand, but I do know for a fact that they are lesser and emptier people for not. Chris believed in love, something our society lacks so greatly and suffers for every day. He lived for love and so it seems he died for it as well.

Chris was a performer at heart. An incredibly talented individual, he was captivating and entertaining on the Major Bowes stage. His “Dentist” laugh and his natural one for that matter, will forever sound in my mind and heart. I met Chris through performance and that is also how I choose to remember him. I will remember him bringing joy and laughter to the lives of others because that was something he did so effortlessly, on stage or off.

Chris loved his friends and driving in his car. He loved dashboard confessional, brand new, showtunes, and the occasional cheesy pop song. He loved taco bell and mocha frapuccinos. He loved the city center in white plains and the fascinating people he found there. He loved the Stepinac Drama club and watching the drama which unfolded within its tight knit group. Chris loved to stir up trouble and write about his life in his livejournal. He loved two boys with his entire heart despite their coldness towards his feelings. He loved to sing with me or with anyone else. He loved to dream about what his life could be like.

In my young life I have never felt so much pain or sadness than I did the day I heard of Chris’ death. I lost more than someone to sing with or give me a ride to Stepinac, I lost my friend. To be a friend to someone is to give the greatest gift and everytime I was with Chris I felt as though I was being given a gift. I wish with everything in my soul that he had not ended his life so early. I wanted to see him grow and mature. I wanted to see him find is true love, his “once upon a time” and his happily ever after. I wanted to see him move on from the destructive people he loved. I wanted to sing so many songs with him and I wanted to go and give him a ride to anywhere he wanted when I finally got my licsence. I wanted to make him more cd’s and read more of his livejournal entries. I wanted to share a stage with him for as long as I could. And more than anything, I wanted to see him find his happiness and run with it and never look back. I wanted him to live, without regret, without pain, without drama."